It's happened in the last few weeks I am finding myself worried when the camera comes out. Not all the time but once in awhile I catch myself doing the mental check- are you sitting/standing properly, suck it in, what about the lumps and bumps. I have not been this person for 10 years and here I am almost that person again. I say almost because thankfully I am catching this early. There is a picture of me almost 20 years ago and I don't even have to physically hold it in my hand. I know exactly where I am in this picture, what I was wearing, who I was with and worst part- I know what I looked like! This picture was such a horrible awakening for me that I hid it away. Once I lost my weight I re found this picture and that was the moment when it was emblazoned in my memory. No I am not posting this picture later- I seriously am WAY too embarrassed to every admit that was me. I am not sure that mentally I am able to convince myself that I was ever that person. There are times when that girl in the picture literally haunts me. Makes picking a salad vs a burger and fries a really easy choice when she is around!
I have always struggled with weight since I was a kid. My Mom has completed pretty much every diet out there and I usually joined in when I was younger. If I recall our first shared diet was when I was 6. Not because I needed to but at that age it honestly sounded like a fun thing. Weight Watchers had a pretty wicked fake banana split in its day. I knew the whole calorie in calorie out! I knew how many calories were in most foods without having to look at a label. I have seen Shape magazine since I was little. Oh and Rachel McLish for those too young to know her- google! She brought what a fit woman should look like to mainstream against all the amazon woman of the day. Loved her and was clueless on what the steps would look like for me to be my own version of that. (Appears I still am a tad clueless). As the majority of world I did the usual had two kids at a very young age, got married, stayed home, lost most of my friends and replaced them with prefab food aka Costco specials. I shopped at those stores that lie to you about your size. You know the ones if you are or have been over weight. Most stores you can't get a 13/14 past your knees and these stores they fly on then you fight with the zipper but at least they are up. Or the fat persons blessing one size fits all! Basically maternity wear but hey its all about denial! As the years went on I become more unhappy and gained more weight. Through most of this I still worked out, had a gym membership- I could probably lift more then than I can now. It was the food! I had the fitness lifestyle but depression hit the second I was out of the gym and off to the fridge you go. I have never been one to fear the fitness side of things- I have successfully completed a marathon, several half marathons, take on "Insanity" workout with a smile. Push Ups hated them so what do I do; create a challenge to conquer them. The fitness side is so much easier than the bigger picture of eating what you need to fuel that fitness. Little did I know that regardless of my efforts I was self sabotaging due to the fact I was miserable in my marriage. Once enough became enough and I decided to take my life by the horns everything in the weight world changed and boy did it change. In something like 6-8 weeks I went from a size 13/14 in the special stores to a size 2/4 in any store. I literally would lose a dress plus a week. It sounds like a fantasy but honestly there was days that I was scared of the speed everything was happening. Of course everyone around me was happy to see me the lose the weight but it was always followed with- "it's because she is under so much stress" , "it won't last she will gain it back." Yeah well I easily maintained that weight for almost 2 years then went up to a whopping healthy sized 6 (LOL) and have pretty much stayed there until recently. This winter definitely did something to me what I have no idea?! I have decided that it chemically screwed around with my mind and body. My professional diagnosis. I have been aware since the fall of last year that the weight demons have been close by as my clothes have gradually gone from uncomfortable to in some cases not fitting. I have no idea weight wise what I have gained as I am a "NO" scale person- they are danger!!! Clothes tell you everything you need to know if your listening. Well body I am listening..... I am hearing the hints and trying to put the pieces together. I am stopping the bus early and we are turning it around. I have recently rededicated myself to my running in a minor (LOL) fashion- I registered for the Big Sur International Marathon spring of 2012! Oh yeah baby! So if now is not the time to fuel the machine I don't know when is.
I want to be me!!!
I want to be the me that was confident in my own skin because I had finally found the true me and owned it!
